Terms & Conditions

While the following Terms and Conditions may be infused with a dash of humor and a sprinkle of wit, please rest assured that our commitment to your financial well-being is no laughing matter. We take our role as your financial coach with the utmost seriousness and dedication. So sit back, enjoy the light-hearted banter, and remember—we're here to guide you to financial success with unwavering professionalism and expertise.

While we are passionate about helping you navigate your financial future, we regret to inform you that our crystal ball is currently out of order. This means we can't magically give you the winning lottery numbers or tell you which stock is the next GameStop.* If we could, we would probably be on a private island somewhere, sipping something exotic.**

*This does not mean GameStop is worth buying. Ask Roaring Kitty - his crystal ball seems to work. 

**Actually that could happen anyway (especially the exotic drink part - it’s much cheaper than private islands) but it still doesn’t mean we can tell the future. 

While we provide guidance and advice, the final decisions are yours. If you decide to invest your life savings in Beanie Babies, that’s on you. Our role is to advise, not to judge.*

Likewise, the counseling given is meant to help financial literacy issues that can span decades of your life. Expecting to absorb them instantly would be akin to expecting to learn particle physics* after a 2 hour lecture. 

*But seriously, no Beanie Babies. 

** No one has yet fallen asleep in any lecture we’ve given. Can’t say that, can you, particle physicists??

All consultations are based on the information you provide, as honestly and unbiased as you can provide it. If you tell us you spend $300 a month on "unicorn feed," we'll work with that, but it might impact your retirement plan.*

*Also, we take no responsibility for starving (or overfed) unicorns. Get a gravity feeder.

Unfortunately, we did not create inflation, but we can teach you how to use it to your advantage. Payment in Monopoly money, chocolate coins, or high fives are not accepted.* Real currency only, please.

*Bribes given or gratitude shown in sushi or Thai food form however, are another matter. 

We take your privacy seriously, and expect you to do the same. All personal and financial information shared with us will be kept confidential and used only for providing our services. We promise not to sell your data to the highest bidder.*

*No matter how tempting their offer of a lifetime supply of cookies might be.

We aim to provide the best advice we can, based on current market conditions and longstanding financial principles. However, we can't guarantee specific outcomes. If the economy suddenly behaves like a drunk toddler on a sugar high,* please don’t blame us. We’re just as baffled as you are.

*Ok we’ve never actually seen this toddler in person, but it can be easily imagined. 

All decisions carry risk. By contacting us and asking for help, you agree to accept that risk. We are not liable for any decisions you make based on our advice that may lead to financial loss, personal hardships it may cause you or others, or any other negative outcomes like your cat’s suddenly extravagant eating habits* now that you’re making so much money. However, we are always here to help you get back on track if you make a mistake.

*Start feeding them unicorns, and it will solve the earlier issue in #3. 

We reserve the right to amend these terms at any time. If we decide to start accepting payment in new ways, launch a new product or service, or otherwise change anything*, we will let you know and you can decide whether or not to opt out. 

*Hairstyles, makeup, and the fundamental nature of the universe are all exempt.  

By working with us, you acknowledge that you have read, understood, and agree to these terms and conditions. If you have any questions or require further clarification, feel free to ask during our next consultation. Just remember, while we can offer sound financial advice, we can't perform miracles.*

*Even if someone is only ‘mostly dead’. They probably owe you money, huh?